Rediscover yourself
In my years of practice, I've noticed a recurring theme among many of my clients: “the quest to rediscover myself”. If we are honest with ourselves, we know when we have lost that sense of self, lost who we are. It might be that you no longer do hobbies that once were the things you looked forward to in the week or you had friends you enjoyed being with that you now can’t imagine mustering the effort to talk to. The very idea of needing too rediscover implies that you feel disconnected from who you were or who you hope to be. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can be really helpful for this. Using ACT, we think together about the importance of moving toward value-driven actions rather than away from discomfort (how we might currently feel or think).
Understanding Towards and Away Moves
In ACT, 'towards moves' are actions that connect you to your values ( the things that truly matter to you and are attributes you want to live your life by). We can think of these as the things you do that move you TOWARDS the life you want to live. These moves are oriented towards growth, engagement, and authenticity. On the other hand, 'away moves' are those actions that move you AWAY from the life you want to have. They help you avoid discomfort (which brings about some sort of relief), but often steers you away from living the life you want to. Recognising these can be the first step in finding your way back to yourself.
The Barriers to Self-Discovery
Fear and Avoidance: One common barrier is fear, leading to avoidance. This can mean shying away from opportunities to try new things or sticking rigidly to routines that no longer serve us. While this avoidance might have once protected you from uncertainty or pain, it might now be preventing you from engaging deeply with life and embracing growth and change.
Loss of Connection with Values: Sometimes, in the business of everyday responsibilities, it's easy to lose sight of what genuinely motivates and enlivens us. You might have originally pursued a career or a lifestyle because it aligned with your values, but over time, these can shift without us even realising.
The Benefits of Away Moves
I find myself often spending time in my sessions helping people recognise that away moves aren't inherently bad. They often start as survival strategies. For instance, if you've experienced high levels of stress at work, tuning out might help manage overwhelming emotions temporarily. Recognising the protective intent behind these moves can foster a kinder self-relationship and decrease internal conflict, making it easier to gradually start making more towards moves.
Making Towards Moves
Engaging in towards moves requires mindfulness (being present) and acceptance. Mindfulness allows you to recognise when you're making an away move, while acceptance helps you deal with the discomfort of new, value-aligned actions without that harsh self-judgment that so many of us fall victim to.
Reflection and Mindfulness: Start by identifying what truly matters to you (I often spend a session or two with someone on this). This might involve reflecting on moments when you felt most alive or connected. Incorporating mindfulness practices can help you become more aware of your everyday choices and whether they align with these values.
Small Steps: Change doesn't need to be monumental. Small, consistent actions towards your values can have a profound cumulative effect. Whether it's carving out time for hobbies that fell by the wayside or reconnecting with old friends, each small step is a move towards a more authentic self.
What now?
You might be reading this thinking, this sounds straightforward but it is hard. I wouldn’t disagree with you. The reason we get stuck is because those behaviours, ways of thinking, patterns etc become the path of least resistance. It’s hard to create change on your own. We give ourselves such a hard time because we can identify where we want to be, and where we are. BUT, the good news is that you don’t have to try and create change on your own. Maybe that’s why you are reading this. It’s never too late to live the life you want to…
