“I have to say that I've always believed perfectionism is more of a disease than a quality. I do try to go with the flow but I can't let go.”- Rowan Atkinson (Mr Bean)
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For many, perfectionism may initially appear as a prized badge of honor, synonymous with impeccable standards and impressive accomplishments. However, beneath the shiny exterior often lies an unseen battle, riddled with self-doubt, overwhelming pressure, and relentless self-criticism. This begs the question: does striving for perfection liberate us, or does it imprison us?
This isn't an easy question to answer, mainly due to the fact that oftentimes perfectionism can serve us well- it can mean we get the job we've been shooting for, we feel reassured that we aren't going to 'settle' for that second best partner, we are efficient, we maximise every moment and every opportunity. But what is the cost?
The Allure of Perfectionism
The most common understanding of perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of flawless performance. Do you remember the 2012 London olympic opening ceremony? Mr Bean 'playing' chariots of fire alongside the orchestra. This was an iconic, funny, memorable moment and celebration of British comedy. In this scene Mr Bean proceeds to take out his iphone and take a photo of the crowd. Hilarious, a classic Bean thing to do. Excpet..the flash never went off. Rowan Atkinson could not focus on the positives of that scene, all he could see what the one thing that went wrong, and he was furious with himself for it. Oftentimes the pursuit of perfection comes at a cost of time, energy and emotional space. The bigger question to ask ourselves is if we are striving so hard to be this one thing, this ideal… what are we running from? Could perfectionism infact be a a shield that prevents us from dealing with the inner workings of ourselves?
Katherine Morgan Schafler, in her insightful book The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control (which is well worth a read!), suggests that at its core, perfectionism is not about striving to be our best, but rather about avoiding criticism. This perspective shines a light on the darker, more binding chains of perfectionism that can transform a once motivating trait into a crippling crutch.
The Hidden Shackles
Perfectionism can narrow our lives in several debilitating ways. For one, the fear of making mistakes might deter a person from trying new things, stalling personal and professional growth. Perfectionists often fixate on the end result rather than the process, neglecting the rich learning that occurs through experience. Furthermore, this obsession can lead to significant stress, anxiety, and even burnout, as the fear of not meeting self-set, often unrealistic standards takes a toll on our wellbeing. When things don't work out or we don't achieve these standards we become threatened by our very selves (see more on the role of threat in my blog the-three-circles-threat-drive-soothe)
The dichotomy between the perfectionist and the prisoner becomes apparent when the compulsion for flawless performance transitions from being a motivational force to a paralyzing fear. The weight of unrelenting standards can feel suffocating, ultimately trapping the individual in a cycle of constant striving and perpetual dissatisfaction.
Breaking Free
Recognising the detrimental patterns of perfectionism is the first step towards liberation. It involves understanding that making mistakes does not equate to failure but is rather an integral part of human growth and innovation. Releasing the grip of perfectionism does not mean lowering standards but rather adopting a more compassionate and realistic approach to personal goals and values. This will feel foreign if you have never seen this modelled or practiced doing it to yourself. The answer? it can be learnt…
Embracing imperfection isn't just about easing self-imposed pressures; it's about broadening life's horizons, engaging more authentically with others, and finding joy in the journey rather than just the destination (living a values driven life). Letting go of the need for perfection can surprisingly lead to more, not less, personal and professional achievements.
